The Story to End All Stories
by Thomas Ahearn
Summary: I thought I was done writing fan fiction. But then I had an idea for one more story. Here it is: All my favorite stories and characters from throughout my life brought together in one epic tale. It's OK if you don't get every reference since some of them are fairly obscure. But if I've helped to introduce you to some stories you weren't aware of before, then I guess I did my job.
1. Prologue

It was a typical day in the schoolyard. Billy and Cindy sat around waiting for something to happen.

"There's hardly anyone to play with around here," Billy said.

"Yeah," Cindy replied. "I wish we had someone to play with too." Right on cue, a purple dinosaur appeared in front of them.

"Hey kids!" it said.

"BARNEY!" Billy and Cindy shouted as they rushed to embrace him.

"Oh, we're gonna have a lot of fun today!" Barney said. "We'll learn about insects and then we'll have a party!"

"YAY!" Billy and Cindy exclaimed.

"You'll both love it!" Barney said.

"Hey," Billy said, "What's that, Barney?" He pointed to the sky, which was quickly becoming shrouded in darkness.

"I don't know, Billy," Barney replied, "But it sure looks scary!" Those were his last words. Barney, Billy and Cindy only had a few more seconds to contemplate the darkness before it enveloped them completely and they all died.

* * *

As the opening sequence with Barney came to an end and the main titles began to role, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo entered the theater.

"C'mon Mike, we missed the beginning," Crow said as he took his seat.

"I know, I know" Mike said, setting Servo down.

"Yeah but we probably didn't miss anything important," Servo said. "And I bet if we left now, we wouldn't miss anything important either."

"'The Story to End All Stories'," Crow read as the title appeared. "Well, I think Phillip K. Dick should sue!"

"He's dead!" Mike said.

"Then his estate should sue," Crow said.

"I bet this is gonna be one of those movies where they throw everything at you and see what sticks," Servo said.

"Well, maybe it won't be that bad," Mike said.

"Famous last words," Crow said.


	2. Chapter One

The Doctor was bored. He rifled through some of his books and scribbled some meaningless figures on the chalkboard but nothing he did seemed to alleviate his suffocating boredom.

 _I need to go somewhere exciting_ , he thought. _Where haven't I been in awhile that's exciting?_ He thought and thought until he finally hit upon the answer. _The Land of Fiction! It's never boring there!_ He quickly pressed some buttons and pulled some levers on the TARDIS console and the time rotors roared into action. Within seconds, the TARDIS had landed and the Doctor stepped out. He was standing in what appeared to be a gigantic library with rows upon rows of books stretching out for miles. _They've done some redecorating since the last time I was here_. _I don't like it_. Nevertheless, he decided to have a look around. He had only taken a few steps when he bumped into someone. She was a plain woman in her mid thirties.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said.

"It's quite all right," the Doctor said. "No harm done."

"Good. You'll have to forgive me but I'm in a bit of a hurry."

"Really? I've never known anyone in the Land of Fiction to be in a hurry."

The woman gave him a confused look. "The Land of Fiction?" she said. "This is the BookWorld. Although, if you want to be technical about it, I suppose it is a land of fiction since everyone here is fictional. Except for me, that is."

"What do you mean?"

"My name is Thursday Next," the woman explained. "I work for Jurisfiction, the organization responsible for policing the BookWorld. I make sure there aren't any changes being made to books that might interfere with their plots."

"I see. I'm the Doctor, by the way, and I'm also not fictional."

"Nice to meet you, Doctor, but as I said, I really must be going."

"May I ask why?"

"I'm on my way to a very important meeting. Apparently, the BookWorld is in the middle of a disaster. Usually, these meetings only involve characters from books. But this time, they're allowing characters from all media to attend. That means it's _really_ serious business."

"Perhaps I could come along. I think you'll find I can be useful to have around."

"If you insist," Thursday said and she led him to the meeting room. It turned out to be an enormous auditorium filled with a variety of characters from literature, television, film, theater, comics and games. The Doctor and Thursday stood in the wings and watched as a man with two heads and three arms took the stage.

"Who is he?" the Doctor asked.

"Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Galaxy," Thursday replied. "He's the highest authority figure we could get on such short notice."

"Welcome, everyone!" Zaphod announced as he reached the podium. "I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around but now is the time to set the record straight. I'm not going to mince words, ladies and gentlemen. We are facing an existential threat. All of fiction is now at risk." There was murmuring among the crowd. "Here's the situation as we understand it: Someone has rewritten the end of _The Neverending Story_ so that the Nothing destroys the land of Fantasia and then escapes from the book itself, swallowing up everything in its path."

"What is the Nothing?" asked someone in the audience. It was Norman Bates.

"It's a mysterious force that no one really understands," Zaphod replied. "The point is that if we don't find a way to stop it, we'll all be dead. And we don't know how much time we have left. We've already lost several fictional worlds, including Middle Earth, Narnia and Westeros." There were gasps from the audience. "Yes, I know, it's tragic. But I haven't told you the worst part. If the Nothing manages to destroy all of fiction, humanity will lose its ability to create new stories. Just imagine that. No more imagination. It doesn't bear thinking about."

"Wasn't there something in _The Neverending Story_ about how the people of Fantasia were becoming sad and that's what was bringing on the Nothing?" asked Jack Torrance. "So do we all have to try to be happier or something like that?"

"No, I'm afraid that won't work, Mr. Torrance," Zaphod said. "The rewrites have made the Nothing more powerful than ever before. It's going to take much more than happiness to stop it."

"Are there any clues as to who might be responsible for this?" asked Hannibal Lecter.

"Hmmm, we seem to be getting a lot of questions from the psycho killer section," Zaphod said. "Is there a reason you gentlemen find this so fascinating?"

"Anything that can cause death on a massive scale intrigues us," Lecter said with a chilling smile. Jack and Norman nodded in agreement.

"Well," Zaphod said, "To answer your question, Dr. Lecter, allow me to turn the mike over to Det. John Munch." Zaphod stepped aside and Munch took his place at the podium.

"Thank you, Mr. President," he said. "Yes, we have one lead we're currently pursuing and here it is." He held up a basketball. "There's a note written on it. It says, 'You pathetic clowns. You thought you could forget about me. Well, now you're going to feel my wrath. So long, suckers!' It's signed with the initials 'C.C.'. Now, I've had my best people working this case and none of them have the faintest idea who this could be. Not even Tommy Westphall and he normally sees everything." Munch indicated a boy sitting in the front row who was staring at a snow globe. "I'll be sure to keep you all up to date as the investigation moves forward." Munch left the stage and Zaphod returned to the podium.

"That concludes the meeting," he said. "I wish I had some good news for you. All I can say for now is stay safe." He left the podium and went to greet Thursday. "Ms. Next! So glad you could make it!"

"Of course, Mr. President," Thursday said. "Allow me to introduce-"

"The Doctor!" Zaphod exclaimed, grabbing the Doctor's hand. "This is a pleasant surprise!"

"It is?" the Doctor asked, confused.

"Indeed!" Zaphod replied. "After all, my creator Douglas Adams wrote some of your stories back in the day. _City of Death_ is a particular favorite of mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, this may come as a bit of a shock to you but you're just as fictional as I am, Doctor. As are you, Ms. Next."

The Doctor and Thursday could not believe what they were hearing. "B-but," the Doctor stammered, "I'm not from the Land of Fiction or the BookWorld or whatever you call it. I'm from Gallifrey. In the constellation of Kasterborous."

"And I'm from Earth!" Thursday cried.

"Yes, well, some characters are aware they're fictional and some aren't," Zaphod explained. "Normally, I wouldn't be telling you this. But since we're all facing a potential apocalypse, I had to bend the rules a little. You're in just as much danger as the rest of us, I'm afraid." While the Doctor and Thursday attempted to process this, a man wearing a tuxedo came up to them.

"I for one am not the least bit worried about this Nothing business," he said suavely as he lit a cigarette. "No one has managed to kill me yet and I don't expect anyone ever will."

"Perhaps I should've been more clear, Mr. Bond," Zaphod said, "but the Nothing does not care who you are. It kills indiscriminately."

"Really?" Bond said, looking worried.

"Yes."

"Oh my God!" Bond shouted. "We're all going to die!" He ran away crying.

"Utterly useless," Zaphod said, shaking his heads.

"What do we do now?" Thursday asked.

"I was hoping you might have some ideas. I can't make decisions. I'm a President."

"Well, for the moment, Thursday and I will have to put our existential crisis aside," the Doctor said. "We should round up some heroes. The most capable ones we can find. Maybe they'll be able to help us."

"We'd better hurry. The auditorium is emptying as we speak." The Doctor, Thursday and Zaphod spoke to several characters that were still hanging around. Before long, they had managed to find some who agreed to join their cause: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Katniss Everdeen, Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones and Inigo Montoya.

The Doctor addressed his new companions. "You all know what we're up against," he said. "It's perhaps the greatest threat any of us has ever faced. But remember, it's not just about us. Think of all the great works of literature. The greatest plays ever performed. The best films ever made. Your favorite TV shows. They'll all be lost in time, like tears in the rain. Unless we manage to stop the Nothing dead in its tracks."

"And what if we fail?" Harry asked.

"Then the best we can hope for is to find a safe haven. Somewhere the Nothing can't get to us. But who knows where that might be. In the meantime, we should get to my TARDIS. I think we should travel to different genres and look for a way out of this mess." The others nodded in agreement and the Doctor led them out of the auditorium.

On their way to the TARDIS, Luke turned to Indy and said, "You know, you look kind of familiar."

"Never mind that, kid," Indy replied. "We have more important things to worry about now."

When they reached the TARDIS, the Doctor unlocked it and held the doors open for everyone. As he was about to step in, he noticed a solitary figure standing in the shadows nearby and looking down at the floor. The Doctor recognized the figure instantly. "Care to join us, Mr. Wayne?"

Batman looked up and turned to the Doctor. "No," he said. "I'd rather stay here and brood for awhile. People like it when I brood."

"I understand," the Doctor said and stepped inside the TARDIS. As it dematerialized, Batman noticed that the area around him was getting darker and darker. He realized that the Nothing had come for him. No one was safe.

* * *

Back in the theater, Mike, Crow and Servo had a few questions.

"So all of fiction is being threatened by this Nothing thing?" Mike said. "But the Nothing's fictional too. So how does that work?"

"And why don't they just change the ending to _The Neverending Story_ back to the way it was?" Servo asked. "Or is that something they can't do for some reason?"

"By the way," Crow interjected, "How can there even be an ending to _The Neverending Story_? Isn't that false advertising?"

"I guess we're supposed to repeat to ourselves it's just a film and we should really just relax," Mike said.

"Good advice," Servo said.


	3. Chapter Two

The Doctor pressed some more buttons on the console and the TARDIS was once again in flight. "We don't have very far to travel," he said. "It's just like moving next door."

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Luke said.

"Do you know which genre we're going to, Doctor?" Thursday asked.

"No," he replied. "The TARDIS prefers randomness, I'm afraid." A moment later, they landed.

"Lead the way, Doctor," Zaphod said.

" Very well. But we'd best stick together. You never know who or what we might come across." He opened the TARDIS doors and the heroes found themselves standing on what appeared to be an ordinary city street. The TARDIS had materialized next to a van marked "Zeke the Plumber" but the street itself was deserted.

"Where is everyone?" Ron asked.

"They're probably too afraid of the Nothing to leave their homes," Hermione said. "And frankly, I don't blame them."

"I think I know where we are," Katniss said.

"Where?" Inigo asked.

Katniss pointed at a street sign. It read "Sesame Street". "I wish we'd had that show growing up in Panem," she said wistfully.

"Hey," Harry said, "Isn't that the Magic Schoolbus?"

"It is indeed, young man," said a voice. They turned around to face a bearded man with long hair. "This is children's television," he said. "If it was meant to entertain the kiddies, chances are you'll find it here. Allow me to introduce myself. Vink's the name, Dr. Vink!"

"Dr. Fink?" Katniss asked.

"No. Vink. With a _va-va-va_. Tell me, are any of you afraid of the dark?" Everyone shook his or her head. Or heads, in Zaphod's case. "Damn! Oh, can I say 'damn'? It's hard to tell what the rules are nowadays."

"Hey, buddy," Indy said impatiently, "We're looking for a way to defeat the Nothing. Are you gonna help us or what?"

"You'll have to figure that out on your own," Vink replied. "Most of us have given up. Anyway, I'm off to Good Burger. Ta!" He walked away.

"What a nutbag!" Ron muttered.

"I am not a nutbag!" Vink shouted as he disappeared from view.

"Well," the Doctor said, "Let's have a look around, shall we? If we stay long enough, we're bound to run into someone willing to help. I hope." They walked a few more blocks and came across a man and woman wearing business suits.

"Hello!" Zaphod said, waving. "Can you help us?"

"Maybe," the man said. "Depends what you need help with. I'm George Frankly and this is my partner, Pat Tuesday. We're from Mathnet."

"We're investigating the possibility that whoever's behind this might've come from this genre," Pat explained.

"That's great!" Thursday said. "I'm something of an expert investigator myself. And I also know what it's like to be named after a day of the week. Anything I can do to help you?"

"Sorry to disappoint you," George said, "but we haven't uncovered any evidence here. Whoever released the Nothing must be from somewhere else."

"It seems that our investigation has been a total waste," Pat said. "But hey, it beats teaching kids about math." George and Pat walked off, leaving the heroes confused and frustrated. Nevertheless, they kept walking down Sesame Street. It was not long before they encountered two more characters.

"Ah!" the first one said. "You all think you can defeat me? Well, you are mistaken. I am invincible!"

"We're not here to defeat you," the Doctor said, perplexed. "We're just looking for some help. Who are you, anyway?"

"I am Lord Zed! And this is my beloved wife, Rita Repulsa!"

"THE FACT THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE DESTROYED BY THE NOTHING IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" Rita shrieked. The heroes all covered their ears in pain.

"I don't know about you," Indy whispered to Luke, "but I'd rather die than hear that woman speak again." Luke nodded. At that very moment, the Power Rangers appeared.

"It's all over, Zed," the Red Ranger said. "This may be the Apocalypse but that doesn't mean we can't have our final confrontation."

"And you think you can win?" Zed asked, brandishing his staff at the Rangers.

"Yes. Because we brought reinforcements." The Rangers parted to reveal the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"Cowabunga, dudes!" the Turtles said. The Rangers and Turtles took their positions, ready to fight, but were interrupted by the arrival of a strange man wearing glasses and a striped shirt.

"Don't forget about me!" the man said. "I'm just as capable as the rest of you. For I am Artie- the strongest man… _in the world_!" Everyone stared at Artie awkwardly, unsure what to make of him.

"Um, Doctor," Harry said nervously, "Look!" He pointed at the sky and the Doctor knew instantly what was happening.

"It's the Nothing!" he cried. "Everyone, back to the TARDIS!"

"Run for your life!" the Red Ranger shouted. The Rangers, the Turtles, Zed and Rita all scattered. The heroes ran as fast as they could but Artie ran faster than any of them. He ran straight into the TARDIS and the others followed him inside.

The Doctor slammed the doors shut and pushed some buttons on the console. "That was a close one," he said as the TARDIS took flight again. He noticed Artie was looking at the ceiling. "Excuse me but what are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry, I thought this was my house," Artie said. "It's a little bigger than I remember it."

"You can tag along if you like. Just remember, this is my home, not yours. Got it?"

"I guess so. It's just too bad. I was really looking forward to fighting that Zed guy."

"Zed's dead, Artie. Zed's dead."

* * *

"They sure are including some pretty obscure characters, aren't they?" Crow said.

"Yeah," Servo agreed. "How are we supposed to care about these people if we don't even know who half of them are?"

"Maybe they're not thinking 'Who's going to get this?'" Mike said. "Instead, they're probably thinking, 'The right people will get this'."

"Hey!" Crow said. "That's one of Joel's sayings!"

"Mike, are you trying to be more like Joel?" Servo asked.

"Guys, let's not get started on the whole Joel vs. Mike thing, ok?" Mike said, exasperated. "Let's just watch the movie."


	4. Chapter Three

The TARDIS materialized outside a tall building. A sign indicated that the heroes had arrived at Wayside School.

"Wayside School? Never heard of it," Zaphod said emphatically, a word which here means, "he really wanted to indicate that he felt the school was beneath his notice".

"It's from a series of children's books," Hermione explained. "This must be children's and YA literature. Where we come from." She indicated Harry, Ron and Katniss.

"How tall is this place?" Luke asked.

"30 stories high," Ron replied. "But there's no 19th floor. Go figure." He shrugged.

"It looks like we might have a long climb ahead of us," the Doctor said, sighing. "Let's get going." The heroes followed him into the school. Once again, the place was deserted.

"Is everyone hiding?" Thursday asked. "Or has the Nothing already gotten to them?"

"Anything's possible," the Doctor replied. "I don't know how it works." They climbed a few stories without encountering anyone. When they reached the 7th floor, they suddenly heard footsteps.

"Who's there?" Indy said confidently, a word which here means, "he wished to show off how incredibly brave he was". As the footsteps grew closer, a shadow of a man appeared on the wall. But the illusion was short-lived, as it turned out the shadow belonged to a ventriloquist's dummy. Albeit one that could walk.

"You want to know who's there?" the dummy said smugly. "I'll tell you who's there. Slappy's the name and making mischief is my game. Any of you want to be my next slave?"

"Sorry but no," Harry said. He nodded to Ron and they both took out their wands, pointed them at Slappy and yelled, " _Reducto_!" Slappy immediately exploded into little wooden chunks.

"Was that really necessary?" Inigo asked.

"Let's just say you shouldn't mess with a Gryffindor," Harry replied. Inigo nodded and the heroes continued their climb. Upon reaching the 13th floor, they encountered an elegant-looking woman who greeted them warmly.

"Velcome!" she said with a heavy German accent. "You must be tired from your long journey." Upon closer inspection, the heroes noticed that the woman had purple eyes.

"We are," the Doctor said affirmatively, a word which here means, "he agreed with what the strange woman was saying". "And who might you be?"

"Oh, I am sorry," the woman said. "I sometimes forget to show my true face. Allow me." She promptly tore off her wig and ripped off her mask, revealing a horrendously ugly visage.

"The Grand High Witch!" Hermione cried.

"Hermione Granger!" the Witch snarled, pointing a long finger at her. "You're a disgraaaace!"

"In what way?"

"You think being a vitch means casting spells and brewing potions? NO! Being a vitch means ridding ze vorld of filthy children! Vhy haven't you done zat?!"

"Because I have better things to do. Like this." Hermione pulled out her wand. " _Petrificus Totalus_!" The Witch's arms dropped to her sides and she fell to the floor. "That's sorted out, then. Shall we continue on?" The heroes left the Witch lying on her back. Her purple eyes darted back and forth rapidly, a word which here means, "she was upset at her predicament and could only indicate that through eye movement".

When the heroes left the 18th floor, they were surprised to discover the 19th floor, the one that supposedly did not exist. "Wait," Katniss said. "I thought there was no 19th floor. How is this possible?"

"You tell us," said a voice. They spun around and found themselves facing ten children. Or nine children and what looked like an empty suit of clothes standing on its own. The voice belonged to a boy who appeared to be the oldest member of the group. "We don't understand it either," he said. "But if I had to guess, I'd say the Nothing is warping the very fabric of fiction itself. That's how characters like us keep showing up in places we don't belong. My name's Jacob, by the way. I'm one of the Peculiar Children." He introduced his friends to the heroes. There was Emma, the girl who made fire with her hands. Olive, who could walk on air. Bronwyn, the one with super strength. Horace, the psychic. Enoch, who could reanimate the dead. Hugh, who had bees living in his stomach. Claire, the girl with the extra mouth. Fiona, who could communicate with plants, and Millard, the invisible boy. Millard doffed his hat at the heroes, which made for a rather unnerving sight.

"So you all have special abilities?" the Doctor asked.

"That's right," Jacob replied.

"What's yours, Jacob?" Harry asked.

"I can see things no one else can."

"If you came with us, that would double our assets," the Doctor said. "Let's see what we have. I have my TARDIS and my sonic screwdriver."

"I have my detective skills," Thursday said.

"Ron, Hermione and I have magic powers," Harry said.

"I have the Force and my lightsaber," Luke said.

"I have my bow and arrows," Katniss said.

"I have my steel," Inigo said.

"I have my whip," Indy said.

"I'm the strongest man in the world!" Artie said, showing off his muscles. Bronwyn was unimpressed.

"And I have twice the brains of any of you!" Zaphod said. Everyone stared at him skeptically, a word which here means-

"SHUT UP, LEMONY SNICKET!" everyone shouted.

"Anyway," the Doctor said, "the point is that all of us have a role to play in the fight against the Nothing. And if I've learned anything in my travels through time and space, it's that sometimes help comes from the most unlikely sources." Filled with a renewed sense of determination, the heroes began the long trek back to the TARDIS.

* * *

"Is it just me?" Mike asked. "Or are they cherry-picking random characters and throwing them into the story for no apparent reason?'

"It's not just you, Mike," Crow said. "There's also the fact that nothing's consistent here. Sometimes they figure things out on their own, sometimes they need it explained to them. Sometimes they know who other people are, sometimes they don't."

"I just hope something interesting happens soon," Servo said.


	5. Chapter Four

The Doctor knew that having children in the TARDIS was never easy. Fortunately, Jacob and the others had no trouble adapting to their new surroundings. Their peculiar nature meant that they were used to encountering things out of the ordinary. And so the heroes continued on their journey. Their next stop turned out to be a place everyone recognized instantly.

"Munchkinland," Jacob said. "Never thought I'd find myself here."

"So what are we supposed to do?" Luke asked. "Follow the yellow brick road?"

Before anyone could offer a suggestion, the door to one of the huts opened and a man wearing heavy make-up stepped out. Everyone was surprised when he began to sing. "Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome! Im Musicals, Au Musicals, To Musicals," the man sang.

"Musicals," the Doctor repeated. "So that's where we are."

"I recognize him," Thursday said, pointing at the man. "He's the MC from _Cabaret."_

"Leave your troubles outside," the MC said. "So life is disappointing, forget it!

In here life is beautiful." As he said this, characters from various musicals emerged from the huts and nearby cornfield.

"They're – they're not going to… " Zaphod stammered. "They wouldn't."

"You want to know how beautiful?" the MC asked.

"No," Harry said, holding up his hands. "Really, you don't have to-"

"I'll tell you!" the MC exclaimed. And with that, the characters broke into a show-stopping musical number. It went a little something like this:

MC

 _We know we don't have much time_

 _The Nothing's on its way_

 _Unleashing it was a terrible crime_

 _But we're not leaving before we've had our say_

ALL

 _We've had a good run_

 _It was a lot of fun_

 _But now we're ready to say goodbye_

 _And go to that great big musical in the sky_

 _As we walk our own green mile_

 _Rest assured, we're going out in style!_

HENRY HIGGINS

 _I remember when I first grew accustomed to her face_

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

 _And when I first learned that the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain_

AUDREY II

 _I was one mean green mother from outer space_

DR. FRANK N. FURTER

 _And I sang about cards for pleasure and cards for pain_

ALL

 _We've had a good run_

 _It was a lot of fun_

 _But now we're ready to say goodbye_

 _And go to that great big musical in the sky_

 _So why not stay awhile?_

 _We're going out in style!_

MAX BIALYSTOCK

 _I used to be the King_

LEO BLOOM

 _Together, we created a Broadway sensation_

THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER

 _Bet you didn't know appliances could sing_

WILLY WONKA

 _Or what it's like to live in a world of pure imagination_

ALL

 _We've had a good run_

 _It was a lot of fun_

 _But now we're ready to say goodbye_

 _And go to that great big musical in the sky_

 _We're not living in denial_

 _Instead, we're going out in style!_

QUEEN ELSA

 _You all loved it when I sang Let It Go_

JACK SKELLINGTON

 _Almost as much as when I took off my head_

SWEENEY TODD

 _There sure was a lot of blood in my show_

MARY POPPINS

 _And I saved Mr. Banks from the life he led_

ALL

 _We've had a good run_

 _It was a lot of fun_

 _But now we're ready to say goodbye_

 _And go to that great big musical in the sky_

 _We're guaranteed to make you smile_

 _Cause we're going out in style!_

THE MUPPETS

 _If there's one thing you should take away from this_

 _It's that characters in musicals always find something to sing about_

 _They never fail to fill you with bliss_

 _Even when they're down and out_

ALL

 _We've had a good run_

 _It was a lot of fun_

 _But now we're ready to say goodbye_

 _And go to that great big musical in the sky_

 _We don't care if you think this song's vile_

 _We're still going out in style!_

When the song ended, the heroes stood in awkward silence at first and then applauded tentatively. The other characters took a bow.

"So," the Doctor said, "you're all prepared to die then?" The characters nodded solemnly.

"Well, here's your chance," Katniss said. Everyone looked at the sky and saw that the Nothing was approaching. The heroes rushed back to the TARDIS.

"Wait!" Emma cried. "We should try to save at least one of them!"

"But they just sang a whole song about how they don't want to be saved!" Inigo said.

"If we don't try, we may as well stop calling ourselves heroes," Emma said, her hands burning.

"OK," Indy said, "I've got an idea." He took out his whip and wrapped it around the character standing closest to the TARDIS, who just happened to be Mary Poppins. He dragged her inside and the Doctor closed the doors.

"Thank you, Dr. Jones," Mary said. "I wasn't planning on surviving but if any of us do, it may as well be me. I am, after all, practically perfect in every way." She opened her handbag, pulled out a hat stand and placed it next to the Doctor's. "Yes, I think I'll enjoy my stay here."

The Doctor ignored her since he was busy fiddling with the console. Once the TARDIS had landed again, he opened the doors. A jungle lay beyond them. "Off we go," he said.

"Fine," Indy said, "Just so long as there aren't any snakes."

The heroes left the TARDIS and ventured into the bushes. They failed to notice a native who emerged from behind the TARDIS and unzipped himself to reveal a man in a white suit. "Hello," he said, "Good evening and welcome to the Middle of the Film!"

* * *

"Oh, come on!" Mike said, disgusted. "Now they're outright stealing from _Monty Python's The Meaning of Life_! They must be desperate!"

"And they just had to throw in a musical number, didn't they?" Crow said. "That song stunk!"

"Kill me now," Servo pleaded. "Kill me! Please!"


	6. Chapter Five

The heroes moved cautiously through the jungle, aware that they were likely to run into other characters very soon. Luke took the lead, hacking away at the vines with his lightsaber while the Doctor used his sonic screwdriver to check for signs of life. They had not gone far when they heard the sound of transporter beams. Seconds later, they were standing in the presence of Captain James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock.

"Captain Kirk!" the Doctor exclaimed, "It's an honor."

"I'm sure it is," Kirk said, unimpressed. He turned to Spock. "Where are we, Spock?"

"I believe it is referred to as Jumanji, Captain." Spock replied.

" _Star Trek_ and _Jumanji_ ," Thursday said. "That means this is science fiction and fantasy."

"Oh, I feel right at home," the Doctor said. There was the sound of more transporter beams and Captain Jean-Luc Picard and the android Data appeared.

"Oh hi, Jean-Luc," Kirk said. "You here, too?"

"Yes," Picard replied. "I've been looking for a way to defeat the Nothing but the Prime Directive keeps getting in the way."

"You and your precious Prime Directive. Do you know how many times I've broken that thing? It's just a plot device and you know it!"

"Look, you're supposed to be dead so why don't you leave this to me, all right?"

"We're all going to be dead once the Nothing gets here!"

"Wow!" Jacob said. "Kirk vs. Picard! Somebody get some popcorn!"

"Technically, Captain, James Kirk is still alive," Data said, "albeit in a younger form."

"That's right. I forgot," Picard said grudgingly. "Some of us get a second lease on life."

"Indeed," Spock said knowingly. Three more transporter beams heralded the arrival of Benjamin Sisko, Kathryn Janeway and Jonathan Archer.

"How's the fight against the Nothing going?" Sisko asked.

"Not well," Kirk replied. "We're losing genres left and right."

"My friends and I are also trying to defeat the Nothing," the Doctor said. "And we don't have to worry about the Prime Directive. Perhaps we could help you."

"I sometimes stick to the Prime Directive and sometimes don't," Janeway said. "I'm erratic like that. But you should talk to Archer, here. They didn't even have the Prime Directive in his day." Before Archer could speak, however, his body was momentarily consumed by a brilliant blue light. When the light had faded, Archer looked around, apparently unsure of where he was.

Just then, an invisible door opened and a man smoking a cigar stepped out. He turned to Archer and said, "Sam, we are in deep caca." He pressed some buttons on a multicolored device he was holding. "Ziggy says the Nothing's influence has thrown all the rules out the window. As a result, you've leaped into a guy who looks and sounds exactly like you."

"Oh boy," Sam said.

"Doctor," Picard said, "I've been told that a most insistent young lady wishes to speak with you."

"With me?" the Doctor said.

"Yes. You'll find her waiting a little further on."

"Thank you, Captain," the Doctor said and he led the heroes deeper into the jungle. Sure enough, a young woman was waiting for them in a clearing. She was dressed in Edwardian clothes and had her hands on her hips. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes," she said, "I'm Pringle. Penny Pringle. I work for British Intelligence. I understand you've taken it upon yourself to lead the charge against the Nothing."

"I suppose I have, yes."

"Well, my superiors have informed me that the only way to win is to find the person who released it."

"And how do I do that?"

"That's none of my concern. You use the brains God gave you!"

"You mean our creators," Thursday said pointedly.

"Whatever!" Penny said dismissively. "In any case, we think the initials on the basketball may have been a red herring to throw us off the scent. We're clearly dealing with a criminal mastermind of the highest order here, someone with true cunning."

"Do you have any theories as to who it might be?" Hermione asked.

"We're looking at the usual suspects," Penny replied. "Lex Luthor, Pinhead, Carmen Sandiego, Freddy Krueger, Anton Chigurh, Clifford Daniels, Beetlejuice…"

"Beetlejuice?" Zaphod said. "You really think he'd be capable of something like this?"

"It's possible. After all, Beetlejuice has always- Oh damnit!"

"What?"

"We said his name three times. That means-"

"It's show time!" Everyone jumped as Beetlejuice suddenly appeared in the clearing.

"Well, as long as you're here, we may as well ask if you're behind this," Penny said.

"Not a chance, toots," Beetlejuice said. "This is way beyond anything I'd even consider doing. But I am looking forward to finding out if there's an afterlife for ghosts or not."

"So we're no closer to figuring this out than when we started," the Doctor said dejectedly. "Best continue on, then."

"Good luck, Doctor," Penny said as they left. "I think you'll need it. And stop leering at me like that!"

"Sorry," Beetlejuice said sheepishly.

After trudging through the jungle some more, the heroes started to grow restless. "Oh, this is pointless!" Harry cried. "We'll never defeat the Nothing by wandering around aimlessly like this! No one's been of any help and quite frankly, I'm starving!"

"So am I," Ron said. "We may be fictional but we still have to eat."

"I must have some booze!" Inigo said. "I demand to have some booze!"

"There's some food over there," Olive said, pointing at a long table a few feet away from them.

"And lots of it!" Enoch said happily. "Looks delicious!"

"But what's that thing?" Mary asked. She pointed to the end of the table.

"I don't know," Hugh said. "But it looks like it's made of wax. Probably nothing to worry about." The Peculiar Children ran to the table and began wolfing down the food. The others began to follow suit but the thing at the end of the table suddenly came to life. It raised its arms, revealing that its eyes were in the palms of its hands. Some of the children screamed.

"Run, everyone!" Thursday cried. "I've just remembered who that is. It's the Pale Man from _Pan's Labyrinth_!" Everyone ran but the Pale Man gave chase. He managed to keep pace with them until Katniss took out an arrow and shot him in the chest. The Pale Man fell to the ground in a heap.

"You killed him!" Luke said.

"I had no choice," Katniss said. "This is war. If we burn, they burn with us."

"If you say so," Zaphod said. "Just be careful you don't shoot your eye out!" Katniss shot him a dirty look. All of a sudden, a wormhole opened up and three men and a woman jumped out of it.

"Looks like we're in the jungle," one of the men said. "That's new."

"I bet that's because of the Nothing, Q-ball," another man said. "We usually wind up in southern California."

"I was getting kinda tired of that, to be honest," the woman said.

"As was I, Ms. Welles," the third man said. "This is a welcome change. Perhaps you'd like to introduce us, Mr. Mallory?" He indicated the heroes.

"Sure," the first man said. "I'm Quinn Mallory. This is Rembrandt, Wade and Professor Arturo. We're the Sliders."

"Ah," the Doctor said. "So you also know what it's like to be cancelled by Fox."

"We sure do," Quinn said. Before he could say anything else, all four Sliders were run over by a DeLorean that appeared out of nowhere. Two men got out.

"Doc, I think we hit some people!" one of them said.

"Never mind that, Marty!" the other man said. "I think the Nothing's fried the flux capacitor. It looks like we'll be stuck here for awhile." As Marty and Doc attempted to fix the flux capacitor, the heroes continued on their long walk. Eventually, they came across four men who seemed to be as lost as they were.

"Hey, can you help us!" said the one with dreadlocks. "We're badly in need of directions. I'm Lister. This is Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat."

"Oh, from _Red Dwarf_ ," Thursday said.

"That's right," Lister said. "And you must be the Doctor. The one that replaced Matt Smith. Personally, I was always partial to David Tennant."

"C'mon buddy!" the Cat said. "You can't beat Tom Baker!"

"Look, we don't have time for this!" the Doctor said. "The Nothing could be along any minute!"

"I recommend immediate and unconditional surrender," Rimmer said.

"Are you sure about that, sir?" Kryten asked. "Remember, we are from the second longest running science fiction series on British television."

Rimmer considered this for a moment. "You're right," he said and turned to the Doctor. "We're coming with you. We Brits need to stick together in times like this."

"Just what I need," the Doctor said resignedly, "an even more crowded TARDIS." He reluctantly led the way back. "Oh and a word of advice, Rimmer. Never give up! Never surrender!"

* * *

"Isn't it a bit convenient how they keep picking people up?" Mike asked. "It's getting pretty repetitive if you ask me."

"Don't even get me started on how out of character some of these people are acting," Crow said.

"This is what you get when inside jokes take precedence over everything else," Servo said.


	7. Chapter Six

The TARDIS' next destination was an amusement park called Walley World.

"That can only mean one thing," Thursday said. "This is comedy."

"Finally something to lighten the mood," the Doctor said. "We may as well enjoy ourselves while we're here."

"And maybe get something to eat?" Indy asked.

"Hope springs eternal," the Doctor replied. They walked up to the ticket booth, which was occupied by a dowdy-looking man.

"Welcome to Walley World," the man said unenthusiastically. "How many tickets?"

"I'm not sure," the Doctor said. "I lost count after we picked up the children."

"That's all right, sir. I have trouble counting beans sometimes."

"Really? What's your name?"

"Baldrick, sir."

"Do you have a first name?"

"I'm not sure."

The Doctor turned to his companions and said, "It's difficult to find good staff these days, isn't it?"

"I'll tell you what," Baldrick said. "Since we don't have long to live, I'll let you in for free. Just don't tell my boss."

"Wouldn't dream of it," the Doctor said and he led everyone into the park. "All right. Artie and Mary. How about you show the children around? You're both really good with kids." Artie and Mary nodded and took the children away from the group. The Doctor turned to the _Red Dwarf_ crew. "Any ideas? This is your territory since you're more of a comedy than a sci-fi show."

"Nah, mate," Lister said. "We're off to go find some curry. You're on your own." Once the four of them had left, the heroes decided to look for food as well. They soon encountered three longhaired men carrying guitars.

"Hi!" one of them said, "We're in the band that's playing tonight and we're trying to find the stage. Do you know where it is?"

"Don't look at us," Zaphod said. "We just got here."

"David, are you sure there even is a stage?" one of the other men asked.

"Not really, Nige," David said. "But it's our last concert. We'll find somewhere to play one way or another. Let's try over there."

"No," the third man said. "Other way! Other way!" The heroes left the bickering band members behind and came across a pale young woman in a black dress.

"Hey!" Ron said. "Are you Wednesday Addams?"

"Yes," Wednesday replied. "In this life."

"You've grown," Luke noted.

"I'm an adult now. But not for much longer, apparently."

"You've always had a taste for the macabre," the Doctor said. "So you wouldn't happen to know who's behind all this, by any chance?"

"There are very few things I know for certain. I know that arsenic is deadly. I know how to avoid leaving any trace evidence behind. And I know that we are all inching closer to death. Every. Single. Second."

"Thank you," the Doctor said. "You've been a big help." He led the group away from Wednesday, more frustrated than ever. A little further on, Thursday pointed to something in the distance.

"Look!" she said. "A soup kitchen! Finally some food!" She ran up to the counter. "Can I get some tomato basil, please?"

"Do you have your money ready?" the man behind the counter asked.

"Well, I think my friends might have some-"

"You have no money?" the man said. "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

Thursday limped away from the counter in shock. "Maybe we should keep looking," she said, shaking. After walking around some more, they found a café and sat down to eat. A waiter brought them their menus. "Let's see," Thursday said. "I'll have the Walley Burger with a side of fries, please."

"I'll have what she's having," Katniss said, indicating Thursday.

The waiter nodded and said, " _Que?_ "

"What?" Thursday asked.

" _Que?_ " the waiter repeated.

"Kay?"

" _Si_."

"Sea? What are you trying to say?"

Before the waiter could reply, a tall man with a moustache appeared. "I'm so sorry," the man said as he dragged the waiter away. "He's from Barcelona." He then proceeded to smack the waiter upside the head.

"I could've translated for you if you'd let me get a word in," Inigo said.

"Too late now," Thursday said, shrugging.

"So what are you thinking of getting, Hermione?" Ron asked.

"I'm not sure," Hermione replied. She was busy examining the seafood section. "The Wanda Special looks nice."

"Named after the 1988 film _A Fish Called Wanda_!" said a man sitting at the neighboring table.

"Oh," Hermione said, feigning interest. "Thank you, Mr.-"

"Joseph Finsbury, at your service!" the man said, smiling.

"Are you some sort of film buff?" Indy asked.

"I am a collector of facts," Joseph replied. "And here's a remarkable fact about that film. You know the scene where Kevin Kline eats the fish? He was actually eating painted rubber!"

"That sounds awful!" Harry said, gagging.

"It's gotta be better than the stuff we're eating," said a man at one of the other tables.

"Yeah," his companion said. "And the beer's worse than the kind we usually drink."

"Is the food really that bad?" Luke asked.

"Oh yeah," the first man said. "But what did you expect from a place like this?"

"I detect from your accent, sir, that you are of Canadian origin," Joseph said.

"That's right. I'm Bob McKenzie. This is my brother Doug."

"I tell ya, the Nothing can't get here soon enough, eh?" Doug said. "It's like waiting for a hockey game to start."

"So you've accepted your fate, then?" the Doctor asked.

"Yep," Bob and Doug said.

"I have, too," another man seated nearby said.

"And you are?" the Doctor asked.

"Name's Tyrone Green. For a long time, I was really messed up. I used to write poems about killing my landlord. But ever since I started attending Mindhead meetings, I've learned to appreciate life. I'm completely at peace with myself and ready for what's coming."

"Well, we're not!" the Doctor said, leaping out of his seat. "C'mon, everyone! Let's keep moving!"

"But we're still hungry!" Ron cried.

"There's food in the TARDIS. I probably should've mentioned that earlier." The heroes left the café and continued exploring the park. Suddenly, Zaphod stopped dead in his tracks.

"Could it be?" he said, pointing straight ahead. "It is! America's favorite family! The Simpsons!"

"Do you guys know where I could find a donut around here?" Homer asked.

"Sorry, no," Zaphod replied.

"D'oh!"

"Are you at all concerned about the Nothing?" Thursday asked.

"Nope," Marge replied. "Our show has been running for so long that we don't care how it ends anymore. Isn't that right, Maggie?" Maggie sucked on her pacifier.

"I'm just glad I'll never have to write on that damn chalkboard again," Bart said.

"And we can finally reveal what state Springfield's in," Lisa said. "It's-"

"Hey!" Zaphod said. "The gang from _Futurama_! How's it going, Fry?"

"Not bad," Fry replied. "This place kinda reminds me of Luna Park. Remember our trip there, Leela?"

"I'd rather not," Leela said flatly.

"I knew a Leela once," the Doctor said. "Except she had two eyes."

"Did she now?" Leela said, clearly not interested in the slightest.

"I'm still looking for the craps table," Bender said. He wandered off and bumped into noted film critic Jay Sherman. "Oh hi, Jay! What do you think of the fact that we're all about to die?"

"It stinks!" Jay said.

The heroes kept moving and were soon reunited with Artie, Mary and the Peculiar Children. "How did it go?" Thursday asked.

"Great!" Jacob replied. "We got to go on the rollercoaster with Mr. Bean." He waved to Bean who waved back cheerily. Moments later, the _Red Dwarf_ crew came running up.

"Did you find any curry?" the Doctor asked.

"No," Lister replied. "But we found someone who wants to talk to you." He stepped aside to reveal a man wearing an overcoat and a London Fog hat.

"I am honneured to meet you, Docteur," the man said in a thick French accent. "I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau. I have information that may be of interest to you."

"And what would that be?"

"I have reason to believe that whoever released the Nothing may have originated from this genre."

"Really?"

" _Oui_. The culprit was clever enough to think we could never suspect someone from comedy would do something like this. But not clever enough to pull the wool over the eyes of Clouseau."

"Ah! So you must have some idea of who it is then?"

"No I deun't. It's just a heunch."

"I see," the Doctor said, sighing.

"Hold it there just a minute!" a white-haired man said. "I'm taking over this investigation!"

"And who are you?" Clouseau asked, his face turning red.

"Lt. Frank Drebin. Police Squad." He took out his badge. "I'm way ahead of you. In fact, I have a car pursuing a suspect at this very moment." He took out his walkie-talkie and spoke into it. "Car 54? Come in, Car 54. Where are you?"

"Doctor!" Luke said, pointing at the sky.

"Oh no, not again!" the Doctor cried.

"Call for backup!" Frank yelled into the walkie-talkie.

"This is the Apocalypse!" the Doctor shouted. "Who could you possibly call?"

"Ghostbusters!" Zaphod exclaimed.

"This is no time for jokes!" the Doctor said.

"No, Doctor, look!" Thursday said, pointing to the car that had just pulled up. Sure enough, it was the Ecto-1 and the four Ghostbusters stepped out of it.

"Well," Peter said. " _The Neverending Story_ came out in '84 and so did our movie. So maybe we're the ones who can get rid of this thing." Everyone stared at him blankly. "Hey, it makes about as much sense as anything else that's happened up 'til now."

"You know what we have to do," Egon said. "Time to cross the streams."

"See ya on the other side, Ray," Peter said.

"Nice working with you, Dr. Venkman," Ray said. The Ghostbusters activated their proton packs and aimed them at the Nothing. The combined force of all four streams had no effect.

"It's no use!" Winston yelled.

"Time to go!" the Doctor said and the other heroes followed him back to the TARDIS. When they got there, they found there was someone already inside. "Wednesday! How did you get in? I thought I'd locked the doors."

"You did," Wednesday said matter-of-factly.

"Fine! Just stay out of my way!" He went to the console, pressed some buttons and the TARDIS dematerialized.

Thursday introduced herself to their latest companion. "Hello, Wednesday. I'm Thursday. If you don't mind my asking, why did you decide to join us?"

"Because there's someone out there causing chaos and destruction and it's not me," Wednesday replied. "I'm eager to meet him and find out how he does it. I could use a few pointers."

* * *

"You know, for a sequence filled with comedy characters, that wasn't very funny," Mike said.

"Tell me about it!" Crow said. "We could come up with better jokes!"

"One thing's for sure," Servo said. "Whoever wrote this was either really drunk or really high. Probably both."


	8. Chapter Seven

After a quick meal courtesy of the TARDIS' rations, the heroes stepped outside and noticed something was different.

"It's nighttime," Mary said.

"That's ominous," Katniss said. "It's been daytime everywhere else we've gone."

"It's probably just for effect," the Doctor said. He pointed to the mansion they were standing outside of. "Let's see what's inside." He walked up to the front door and knocked. A short man with a moustache answered.

"Good evening, Doctor," he said. "So glad you could join us. Please come in." He held the door open and everyone followed the Doctor inside. " _Mon dieu_ , there are a lot of you!"

"I know," the Doctor said. "But we might be the only survivors. Everyone else we've come across hasn't been so lucky."

"Quite," the man said as he closed the door. "I am Hercule Poirot." He removed his hat and bowed.

"Yes, I know. And this place is…"

"Boddy Mansion."

"So this is the genre of mystery," Thursday said.

"Correct, madame," Poirot replied. "And these are my colleagues." He indicated three other people who were standing nearby. "Miss Jane Marple."

"Charmed, I'm sure," Miss Marple said.

"Lt. Columbo."

"I'm sorry my wife couldn't make it," Columbo said. "She loves a good mystery."

"And world-renowned author Jessica Fletcher."

"Hello," Mrs. Fletcher said, waving.

"This isn't a good sign," Zaphod said warily. "Whenever you're around, someone gets murdered."

"Don't blame me," Mrs. Fletcher snapped. "Blame the writers."

"We are still waiting for the lead detective on the case," Poirot explained. "With any luck, he'll have figured out who is behind all this."

"But what good will that do if we can't find the perpetrator?" Harry asked.

"He must be here somewhere," Poirot said. "There are so few places left to hide."

"Good point," Indy said. Shortly afterwards, the front door opened and a curly haired man in a long coat entered followed by a blonde haired man.

"Sorry I'm late," the first man said. "I was making some last minute adjustments to my mind palace. But it was worth it because I finally know what's going on here."

"Are you absolutely sure, Sherlock?" the second man asked. "Please say you didn't drag me here for nothing."

"Don't worry, John," Sherlock replied. "My logic is airtight, as always."

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Holmes," the Doctor said. "I had a feeling you'd be the one to solve this. Although, to be honest, I was hoping for Peter Cushing."

"No matter, Doctor," Sherlock said. "We don't have time for chit-chat. Let's get to the matter at hand." He began pacing back and forth. "What we're dealing with here is a diseased mind. Someone who's mad at the world and everyone in it. Someone who would go to any lengths to achieve their objectives, regardless of the consequences."

"Are you talking about me?" Wednesday asked.

"No. You're far too obvious a candidate for something like this. And everyone knows that in a good mystery, it turns out to be the one you least suspect. So what we should be looking for is someone who doesn't call attention to themselves. Who just sort of blends into the background. Who's so nondescript that you wouldn't even notice if they suddenly disappeared. In short, someone who no one cares about and isn't at all memorable."

"No shit, Sherlock," said a voice from upstairs. Everyone turned and saw that a basketball was bouncing its way down the stairs. It reached the landing and continued bouncing into the hall where everyone was standing. Sherlock caught it and looked at the top of the stairs. There stood a young man with red hair and a sports jacket. "Not exactly what you were expecting, right?" he said.

"We weren't really expecting anything," Katniss said. "Sherlock's description was so vague it could apply to just about anyone."

"Exactly," the man said as he descended the stairs. "But that's not my fault, is it? It's the fault of the hacks who created me."

"But who are you?" Luke asked.

"I'm Chuck Cunningham," the man replied. "Richie and Joanie's older brother from the first two seasons of _Happy Days_. Before it jumped the shark. Any of you ever heard of me?" Everyone shook their heads. "I figured as much. I wasn't given much to do on the show. You want to know what the full extent of my character was? I played basketball. That was it. That's how much the writers cared about me. Eventually, they stopped caring to the point that they wrote me out and pretended like I never existed. So today when a character disappears from the narrative without explanation, they're said to be a victim of Chuck Cunningham Syndrome. That's my legacy."

"Well, that's better than nothing," Hermione said. "It shows that some people noticed you were gone."

"That doesn't change anything!" Chuck said angrily. "It just makes my pitiful existence even worse. I'm nothing more than a footnote, a punch line. You all, on the other hand, are a different story. You come from some of the most successful franchises of all time. You're worth millions and in some cases billions. Your lives are made up of sequels and prequels and remakes and reboots and reimaginings. Everyone knows who you are. They can quote your dialogue verbatim. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? I've done nothing but watch as you became nauseatingly successful while I remained irrelevant and forgotten. Until one day when I decided I'd had enough. It was time to put an end to it all. 'No more' I said." The Doctor flinched. "I needed to find an unstoppable force that would serve my purpose. And _The Neverending Story_ provided that."

"But it was stopped!" Thursday said. ""The protagonist, Bastian, came up with a new name for the Empress of Fantasia. That's what reversed the effects of the Nothing."

"Really?" Ron asked. "That's all it took?"

"Yep. Believe it or not."

"Except there's one small problem," Chuck said with a grin. "The Empress is dead. I made sure of that when I changed the ending."

"So you don't know how to stop it either?" the Doctor asked.

"No and that's just the way I want it. It won't be long before fiction ceases to exist and those stupid hack writers won't be able to create anything ever again. It'll serve them right for the way they've treated characters like me."

Inigo had heard enough. He drew his sword and advanced on Chuck. "Hello," he said. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father… and all other fictional characters. Prepare to die."

"Are you kidding me? I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to welcome death with open arms. And I'm taking all you pretentious snobs with me!"

"Well, I guess that about wraps it up then," Columbo said. He turned to leave but then stopped. "Just one more thing. There are untold numbers of characters even more obscure than you. Aren't you the least bit concerned about them?"

"Not particularly," Chuck said with a shrug. "Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to reach your ultimate goal."

"So you're willing to commit genocide just because no one paid attention to you?" Lister said. "You're a smeggin' psychopath!"

"Oh, why thank you!" Chuck said. "I guess that means I have a personality after all." There was a crash of thunder.

"Please tell me that's just part of the general atmosphere," Rimmer said timidly. "You know, the old 'It was a dark and stormy night' cliché."

"No," Mary said. "You know very well what that is. The Nothing's arrived."

"At last!" Chuck said with an insane look on his face. Before anyone could stop him, he ran to the front door and ripped it open.

"John," Sherlock said, "It was nice knowing you."

"You too, Sherlock," John said. They left the mansion and the other detectives followed close behind.

"I can't believe it!" Hermione said. "They're all giving up so easily."

"You heard Chuck," Indy said. "The Nothing can't be stopped anymore. What can they do? What can any of us do?"

"C'mon!" the Doctor said. "The TARDIS is our only hope now!" The heroes followed him out of the mansion and back into the blue box. But Inigo lingered for a few moments.

"Yes!" Chuck yelled at the sky. "Yes! Come to me! Do your worst! Ha ha ha!"

Inigo crept up behind him. "I still want my father back you son of a bitch!" he said and promptly stabbed Chuck in the back. The forgotten Cunningham let out a whimper and collapsed, dead.

"Hurry up, Inigo!" the Doctor shouted. "There's no time left!"

Inigo nodded and ran inside the TARDIS. He nearly tripped over Poirot, who had gotten caught up in the rush and was currently sprawled on the floor. "It looks like you almost trampled the Frenchman," Inigo said.

"I am not French!" Poirot screamed. "I am Belgian!" The Doctor closed the doors and went to the console but the TARDIS jerked violently. Everyone fell to the floor with a thud. The console room began shaking and everyone struggled to hold on to something as they slid back and forth.

"What's happening?" Emma asked.

"We're getting caught up in the Nothing," the Doctor replied. "I knew we couldn't outrun it forever."

"Can't you do something about it?" Artie asked.

"The TARDIS defenses are holding but they won't hold for long," the Doctor said. "We could break apart at any moment."

"And then it's all over," Thursday said.

"I can use the Force to keep the TARDIS intact!" Luke said. He began to concentrate. His efforts seemed to work at first but a sudden jolt knocked him off balance. The shaking intensified.

"I never thought it would end like this," Harry said. He saw that Ron and Hermione were holding each other, as were Jacob and Emma.

"NO!" Kryten wailed. "I'm not ready to go to Silicon Heaven!"

"I am," Wednesday said. "Well, not the place you mentioned, but I've always wanted to meet my ancestors. Now I'll finally get the chance."

"I just want you all to know how proud I am of you," the Doctor said with a sad smile. "You've all faced impossible odds and managed to survive. And even if this is how our journey ends, at least we did our best." The others nodded in agreement and prepared for the end. Then, just as abruptly as the shaking had begun, it stopped. There was an eerie silence that lasted several seconds until Zaphod spoke.

"Is that it?" he asked. "Are we dead?"

"No, you idiot!" Katniss said. "We must've landed somewhere."

"But that's impossible!" the Doctor said. "There's nowhere else for us to land, is there?"

"Why don't you open the doors and find out?" Thursday suggested.

"All right. But stay back and be prepared for anything." With every ounce of courage he possessed, the Doctor made his way to the front of the TARDIS.

* * *

"What an anticlimax!" Mike said. "Chuck Cunningham? Seriously? How were we supposed to guess that?!"

"I actually thought he made some good points," Crow said. "About how some characters keep getting reused while others were never given a chance to shine. Even if he did come across as soapboxy."

"At this point, I don't care if they make it or not," Servo said. "Just end! END!"


	9. Epilogue

The Doctor opened the doors and stepped out. He looked around, trying to get a sense of where he was.

"Is it all right?" Harry asked.

"I… I think so," the Doctor replied. "We've landed on… some sort of dock."

"Are there any ships around?" Thursday asked.

"There's one. But it appears to have sunk." Everyone began filing out of the TARDIS, eager to discover where they had ended up.

"I see what you mean," Zaphod said. "And is that a gear sticking out of the ground?"

"Looks like it," Lister said.

"I see that building has a round blue top," Poirot observed. "It must be some sort of planetarium

"Plenty of trees, by the looks of it," Mary said.

"With a clock tower in the distance," Wednesday added.

"Some kind of spaceship," Luke noted.

"And what are all these switches for?" Indy asked. He pulled one of them. "They don't seem to do anything."

"This place sure is weird," Artie said.

"Where are we?" Katniss asked. No sooner had she said this than they heard a strange sound come from one of the buildings. They looked and saw a bearded man with glasses emerging from the entrance.

"Ah, my friends!" he said with a smile. "I'm so glad you all made it. My name is Atrus and I'd like to welcome you to Myst Island."

"But what is this place?" the Doctor asked. "How did we get here? We were about to be consumed by the Nothing."

"Allow me to explain," Atrus said. "I am a member of the D'ni civilization. We have the ability to write books that link to other worlds called Ages. Myst Island is one such Age. Ages exist on what we call the Great Tree of Possibilities. That is, an infinite number of parallel universes. Worlds without end. The Great Tree is far too complex for the Nothing to penetrate. You're safe, my friends. I can assure you that the Nothing will never bother you again."

"But will people still be able to create new stories?" Hermione asked.

"Of course!" Atrus replied. "As long as humanity survives, they will find ways of telling stories. They're an indomitable species. Aren't they, Doctor?"

"They certainly are," the Doctor said, smiling.

"It doesn't change the fact that the rest of fiction has been wiped out," Emma said. She began to tear up. "Our families, friends, enemies even. Everyone we've ever known. All gone forever."

"No! Wait a moment!" the Doctor said. He turned to Atrus. "If what you're saying is true, that we're now living in an infinite number of parallel worlds, then that means-"

"Yes," Atrus said softly. "It's possible that everyone you know is still alive out there. And you may find them someday. After solving a series of overly complicated puzzles, that is."

"It's like the Nothing never was!" Jacob exclaimed.

"Precisely," Atrus said. "And now, I offer you access to all the Ages in my library and beyond. Feel free to explore at your leisure. I hope you find your explorations satisfying. Wonders you cannot even imagine await you, my friends."

"You keep using that word," Inigo said. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

"Regardless," Atrus continued, "It may have seemed as if your long journey was over. But for you, my friends, the ending has not yet been written."

* * *

"Well, that didn't make any sense," Mike said.

"Not one bit," Crow said. "And that ending! Talk about a _deus ex machina_! There was no foreshadowing. Nothing! It comes right out of nowhere."

"I was half-expecting Bob Newhart to wake up at the end," Servo said. "It would've been just as plausible."

"Still, I think it had some redeeming features," Mike said. "The cinematography was good. And some of the special effects."

"So were the costumes and makeup," Crow said.

"Yeah, I guess," Servo said. "Man, these credits are endless!"

"Kind of like the movie," Crow said.

"What do you think the budget was for this?" Mike asked.

"A lot bigger than for the stuff we usually sit through, that's for sure," Servo said. He sidled over to Mike who picked him up.

"If there's one thing I learned from all this," Crow said as they left the theater, "It's that if you're going to write crossover fiction, the story should always come first!"


End file.
